Review – Australia’s Got Talent

Australia’s Got Talent – Seven – 7:30pm Tuesday – AUS

Here’s how much of a cultural impact Australia’s Got Talent has had on the nation: I was genuinely shocked to learn that this season would be the fourth season of AGT. Has Australia’s Got Talent really been on the air since 2007? This brand new season of Australia’s Got Talent has been promoted non-stop with creepy posters like the one featured above featuring the three judges who look like they’ve descended from another planet to devour our souls. I also love how on the posters the words Australia’s Got Talent appear without irony alongside Dannii Minogue, Kyle Sandilands and Brian McFadden.

For those of you not in the know Australia’s Got Talent is a cross between Australian Idol and Red Faces. Host Grant Denyer is quick to remind us that Susan Boyle was discovered on Britain’s Got Talent, although his claim that she “made television and music history” is a bit dubious; she did make YouTube history but then so did that baby named Charlie who bit his brother. AGT lets any idiot young or old come along and do absolutely anything they want to in front of the three judges and a theatre full of screaming simpletons. I say ‘simpletons’ because at one point they gave a standing ovation to a man who smashed a watermelon over his head.

Captain Weatherboy himself Grant Denyer introduces the show by describing it as “a heart-stopper, a tear-jerker and a life changer” which are also three ways to describe your wife dying in a car accident, so this isn’t guaranteed to be something we’re going to enjoy. After an overlong and rather noisy introduction we’re hit straight out of the gate with some of the so-called inspirational stories these types of shows love to peddle. We’re greeted by twenty or so kids who all dance at a dance school which is just some lady’s garage. The dance troupe is called K STAR EVOLUTIONZ (seriously, and yes with a ‘z’) and in Brian McFadden’s words their performance “ripped the place apart”. Honestly, they were as good as any dance group that ever performed at any school talent show ever; so you know, not that great. There was no need for Grant to yell “now we’ve got a competition!”

Then after the ad break we meet a couple of acts we’re actually allowed to laugh at, even though I’m pretty sure we’re still laughing at the fact that the name K STAR EVOLUTIONZ was the best they could come up with. Then an old couple comes out and does some swing dancing, which is boring and slow even by old people standards, but they get let through to the next round as well. Soon after an ugly fourteen year old comes on stage and contorts her body through a barrel, but she doesn’t make it through. Although a guy named Elvi Pes who sings an awful song about a computer, that doesn’t even work as performance art parody, is let through by Brian and Kyle just because they seem to be fucking around with the guy.

It was at this point in the show I started to wonder what the hell was going on. What exactly qualifies somebody to make it to the second round of the show? Old couple dancing slowly makes the cut, but fourteen year old who shoves herself in a barrel doesn’t? Because shoving yourself into a barrel is a talent, and being an old person and knowing how to dance badly isn’t a talent it’s just something that you do as an old person to pass the time before you die. If I wasn’t baffled enough by this point a guy who does yo-yo tricks was let through to the next round.

Australia’s Got Talent makes no sense. It is a weird show. Eventually a twelve year old girl who can genuinely sing does a number from Wicked and she’s let through. This seems reasonable, but now I have to push the thoughts I’m having about what kind of psychological impact judging children on national television will have on these kids out of my mind. The never-ending parade of stupidity continues as a group of teenage boy dancers appear who call themselves The Beaver Shakers… They’re followed up by a large group of roller disco enthusiasts who call themselves Rolling Entertainment. I think I’d prefer a show about how all of these mediocre groups came up with their stupid ass names. Rolling Entertainment sounds like a roller-disco group from a Christopher Guest movie with Jane Lynch and Fred Willard as the head dancers.

The big controversy surrounding Australia’s Got Talent’s return was of course the appearance of Kyle on the judging panel, and to be honest other than the fact he’s obviously a smarmy asshole in real life, there’s nothing really wrong with the guy. He was the best of the bunch on Australian Idol before he got kicked off and he easily outshines McFadden who’s like a dopey pumpkin with a five o’clock shadow, and Dannii Minogue who somehow manages to be the most annoying person in a room filled with Brain McFadden, Grant Denyer, Kyle Sandilands and a bunch of people performing stupid human tricks on stage.

Eventually the 100 minute monstrosity brought us a father/son duo who when they each sung on their own were actually quite good. In fact they were the only highlight of the night. The teenager who sung Hallelujah after them wasn’t nearly as amazing as everybody thought he was, and the less said about Australia’s answer to Susan Boyle the better. As the night came to a close we suffered through a man and his crocodile, and that guy and his watermelons that I mentioned earlier.

I’m not a reality hater, I love Survivor, I love The Amazing Race, and I love American Idol but this show is completely absurd. At one point Grant described the auditions as “extraordinary” so apparently his definition of extraordinary is different from mine. Australia’s Got Talent is a horrible mess of a show that to be completely honest I didn’t understand one bit. On one hand they let through a twelve year old girl who could sing, but they also let through a grown man who smashed watermelons over his head. What the hell is going on? AGT is more confusing than Lost. I’m so baffled that I’m going to have to tune in again next week just to see if it ever makes sense, for the rest of you though I recommend you do yourself a favour and flick across to Nine to watch Top Gear instead of this trash.

Good, Alright, Bad Or Ugly?
Bad