Review – Australia’s Perfect Couple

Australia’s Perfect Couple – Channel 9 – 7:30pm Wednesday – AUS

Channel 9 continues its quest to destroy itself from within with Australia’s Perfect Couple. A reality show that seems to be under the impression that it’s still 2002 and The Mole & Temptation Island are still ratings juggernauts.

Australia’s Perfect Couple is hosted by Jules Lund, local wanker, and features a selection of photogenic couples who must fight it out to see who can win a wad of cash and prove themselves to be Australia’s Perfect Couple in what has to be the dodgiest idea for a reality show since the last one Channel 9 came up with.

The couples include: Harps & Nav, who are Indian but Channel 9 keep on calling ‘virgins’ because I don’t think they know what Indians are. Robbie & Dan who are totally gay for each other. Lealie & Chris who are assholes. A slutty couple and a bunch of other couples that I couldn’t tell apart – there was a brunette girl in most of them.

To quickly get your assumptions out of the way: no, it’s not as stupid as you think it’s going to be. It’s a lot stupider than that. The first challenge involved the guys being blindfolded while each of the girls kisses them on the cheek. They then have to pick which one is their girlfriend while Kiss Me plays on the soundtrack. Seriously. This was put on television.

Of course for the gay guy in the group he got blindfolded while a bunch of male models and his husband kissed him on the cheek… but nice one Channel 9 on cutting any of the man on man cheek kissing. Way to totally want to have gays on your show but being totally shit scared to show them being kissed on the cheek at 7:30. You don’t want to scare away any of Australia’s Perfect Homophobes.

After that half assed attempt at a ‘challenge’ the couples had to fill out a compatibility questionnaire. We didn’t see them do this; we just got told by their host that they did. Which made for pretty exciting television as you can imagine. The lowest score was 40% compatibility and the highest was 62.5%… 62.5%? Um, Perfect Couples or Mediocre Couples? What was this search for again?

In the last, and stupidest, challenge of the night the guys were hooked up to electricity while the girls had to navigate a wand through a metal pipe maze, if the wand touched the metal pipes the guys got zapped with a 100 watts of electricity… and that’s the strangest sentence I’m ever going to write.

The good news was that while we got to sit at home wondering how our lives had come to watching crap like this the couples were laughing their asses off like it was the second coming of Monty Python… so at least somebody had fun.

The couple that “won” the challenge would get “security” or as the couples kept calling it “immunity”. Do we really care about immunity or “security” anymore? Or alliances? Or voting people out? Do we?

The couples then all sat down with Jules and voted who they wanted out of the house, or off the farm, or shot out of a cannon, or whatever it was.

I’d write ‘spoiler alert’ but I’m positive nobody cares that Harps & Nav and Lealie & Chris were the bottom two couples. Harps & Nav because they’re Indian. Lealie & Chris because they’re douchebags.

Surprising no one, not even themselves, the douchebag couple got sent home. But first Lealie had to put on her best “I’m a massive whore” face and declare the reason they were voted out was because they were “the best” and “the competition” while forgetting to mention that they were really just “the first voted out of a shitty forgettable reality competition.”

She closed by saying “We know we got voted out because you guys are afraid of us.” No, you got voted out because you’re a massive scrag.

I think I speak for everybody who watched the show when I say ‘we won’t be tuning in next week for another exciting episode of Australia’s Perfect Attention Whores.’

Good, Alright, Bad Or Ugly?
Bad